The American Enterprise Institute proudly presents
The American Enterprise Institute proudly presents
THE ADVENTURES OF DARTH CHENEY
Episode One: Darth Goes to Walter Reed on Independence Day
We join the Vice President as his motorcade pulls up in front of the shiny façade of Walter Reed Hospital. Darth steps grandly out of the limousine carrying a cardboard cutout of the commander in chief, and is immediately whisked into the hospital by an army of secret service personnel and his Republican Guards. In the dimly lit interior a ward full of bedridden patients languish in a sea of catheters, colostomy bags, mold and vermin. Darth floats in on his customized hoverboard, still clutching the life sized George Bush cutout while slicing rats in half with his light saber and blowing them to small pieces with miniaturized smart bombs
“I’m here boys, but don’t bother to get up. We’re just gonna take some pictures…”
A doctor approaches. “You can’t set those off in here! Don’t you realize that seventy percent of these patients are suffering from PTSD?”
“It’s not my fault they didn’t wear a rubber…now get outta my way. I’m here to inspect the place.”
“No….PTSD….Shell Shock…you can’t bring explosive devices in here.”
“Darth Cheney does what he wants, when he wants. Now get outta my way, son, before I bite your head off.”
Darth sets the cutout down and floats over to the nearest bed, glowering down at it’s occupant, a quadruple amputee.
“What happened to you, son?”
“You’re kidding, right? I’m a fucking torso with a head on it…..”
“We all have our cross to bear, son. Why, I’ve had 73 heart attacks and 12 quadruple bypasses, and I don’t even have a heart.”
Darth laughs maniacally and slaps the patient on one of his stumps: “Have one of my personal medallions, son. Weighs 30 pounds.”
Darth floats across to the next bed while flinging another smart grenade at a particularly large rat. “What’s with all these little dogs in here?”
The occupant of the next bed recoils, visibly shaken by the explosion. Darth looms over him, casting a menacing shadow. “What’s wrong with you? You look fine to me. Not a mark on you…”
“I’ve got PTSD…”
“I got no sympathy for perverts. How dare you share the same space with fine boys like stumpy there. Get outta here now before I throw you out myself.”
Darth advances threateningly, but the VA doctor steps between him and the patient. There is a brief scuffle, during which Darth’s helmet is dislodged and crashes to the floor, revealing not the avuncular brow and visage of Cheney, but a giant and terrifying Mantis head. The huge mandibles gnash together sickeningly, emanating the odor of half decayed human flesh. Everyone in the room recoils, including the Republican Guards. Darth Mantis moves forward to devour the doctor’s head but is frozen by a sudden and commanding voice.
“RICHARD BRUCE CHENEY!!!! JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?”
Lynn Cheney stands in the doorway in curlers, dressing gown, slippers and night mask, silhouetted by the running lights of a nearby Screaming Eagle helicopter. The sight of her is even more terrifying than that of Darth Mantis and both the crowd and Darth shrink back in mute panic. The Second Lady trains both barrels of a sawed-off shotgun on Darth.
“Get in the helicopter, Dick.”
Darth Mantis glides through the door and is gone, followed by his scowling wife. The helicopter roars away. After several long seconds that seem like an eternity, the doctor finally speaks.
“Christ, that was a mind fucker! Grain alcohol, anybody?”
Next: Young Stevie Harper goes to Ottawa.
Posted by Citizen Ken on July 10th, 2008
THE ADVENTURES OF DARTH CHENEY
Episode One: Darth Goes to Walter Reed on Independence Day
We join the Vice President as his motorcade pulls up in front of the shiny façade of Walter Reed Hospital. Darth steps grandly out of the limousine carrying a cardboard cutout of the commander in chief, and is immediately whisked into the hospital by an army of secret service personnel and his Republican Guards. In the dimly lit interior a ward full of bedridden patients languish in a sea of catheters, colostomy bags, mold and vermin. Darth floats in on his customized hoverboard, still clutching the life sized George Bush cutout while slicing rats in half with his light saber and blowing them to small pieces with miniaturized smart bombs
“I’m here boys, but don’t bother to get up. We’re just gonna take some pictures…”
A doctor approaches. “You can’t set those off in here! Don’t you realize that seventy percent of these patients are suffering from PTSD?”
“It’s not my fault they didn’t wear a rubber…now get outta my way. I’m here to inspect the place.”
“No….PTSD….Shell Shock…you can’t bring explosive devices in here.”
“Darth Cheney does what he wants, when he wants. Now get outta my way, son, before I bite your head off.”
Darth sets the cutout down and floats over to the nearest bed, glowering down at it’s occupant, a quadruple amputee.
“What happened to you, son?”
“You’re kidding, right? I’m a fucking torso with a head on it…..”
“We all have our cross to bear, son. Why, I’ve had 73 heart attacks and 12 quadruple bypasses, and I don’t even have a heart.”
Darth laughs maniacally and slaps the patient on one of his stumps: “Have one of my personal medallions, son. Weighs 30 pounds.”
Darth floats across to the next bed while flinging another smart grenade at a particularly large rat. “What’s with all these little dogs in here?”
The occupant of the next bed recoils, visibly shaken by the explosion. Darth looms over him, casting a menacing shadow. “What’s wrong with you? You look fine to me. Not a mark on you…”
“I’ve got PTSD…”
“I got no sympathy for perverts. How dare you share the same space with fine boys like stumpy there. Get outta here now before I throw you out myself.”
Darth advances threateningly, but the VA doctor steps between him and the patient. There is a brief scuffle, during which Darth’s helmet is dislodged and crashes to the floor, revealing not the avuncular brow and visage of Cheney, but a giant and terrifying Mantis head. The huge mandibles gnash together sickeningly, emanating the odor of half decayed human flesh. Everyone in the room recoils, including the Republican Guards. Darth Mantis moves forward to devour the doctor’s head but is frozen by a sudden and commanding voice.
“RICHARD BRUCE CHENEY!!!! JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?”
Lynn Cheney stands in the doorway in curlers, dressing gown, slippers and night mask, silhouetted by the running lights of a nearby Screaming Eagle helicopter. The sight of her is even more terrifying than that of Darth Mantis and both the crowd and Darth shrink back in mute panic. The Second Lady trains both barrels of a sawed-off shotgun on Darth.
“Get in the helicopter, Dick.”
Darth Mantis glides through the door and is gone, followed by his scowling wife. The helicopter roars away. After several long seconds that seem like an eternity, the doctor finally speaks.
“Christ, that was a mind fucker! Grain alcohol, anybody?”
Next: Young Stevie Harper goes to Ottawa.
Posted by Citizen Ken on July 10th, 2008
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