Citizen Ken, Sultan of Gyeonggi, presents:
The Ballad of King George, Part III: Bonzo Goes To Asmara
It was a beautiful morning on the high plateau. The mortars were silent and the sun had just begun to peek over the horizon. A group of refugees appeared in the distance and then faded out of sight, headed in the direction of Asmara. A passing baboon paused to urinate on a bush. At that moment the bush burst into flames, setting the unfortunate creature’s hindquarters alight. As the baboon scrambled away howling in pain, a man in a shiny sky blue suit with well-manicured facial hair catapulted out of the bush, brushing flames away from his pants. The man called to the retreating animal: “sorry about that,” adding with irritation “NEXT TIME LET’S DO IT WITHOUT THE STUPID BUSH!!” The man pulled a mango from his suit pocket and began munching hungrily on it. As he gobbled down the mango a figure appeared on the horizon, riding upon an ass. The man peered into the distance. “Who’s this, the new Moses……HEY…..OLD MAN…..ARE THERE ANY HOSTILE FORCES AROUND HERE I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT?” As the figure drew nearer it became apparent that this was definitely NOT the new Moses, but none other than Bonzo T. Bush, disheveled and disoriented leader of the free world. The man in the blue suit observed “Ah, my mistake, not a sage of any description – but an ass riding an ass!” As Bush drew closer the man in the blue suit could clearly see that the gibbering and drooling Commander in Chief was dressed in his old National Guard uniform, now tattered and moth-eaten by the passage of time. The ass was heavily laden, both with Bonzo and with numerous saddle bags. Bush stopped a few feet away and peered at the man for several moments, finally blurting out “Creflo???” “No, but I did get this suit off of him…..” “Hey, you know Creflo? Him ‘n Jerry’s muh personal preachers, yup…..Creflo loaned you his suit?” “Loaned…..no. I said I got it off of him….I will deal with all false prophets in the same way.” Bonzo began to foam at the mouth and sputtered “hey, hey, hold on there buddy, nobody talks about Reverend Dollar that way and gets away with it. Now, you better help me out here. I been lookin’ for Jesus out here. Some fella at the Wailin’ Wall said I could find Jesus out here.” “Look no further, Monkey Boy, your quest is over.” The Commander in Chief pulled a battered piece of paper from his rancid uniform, presenting it to the man in the blue suit. It was an artists rendering of Jesus as blond and Caucasian. “Jest hold on there buddy – this here’s Jesus…..everybody knows Jesus is a white guy!” “You are definitely in the wrong neighbourhood, son,” observed the man in the blue suit. At this moment another group of refugees appeared on the horizon, bound for Asmara. As they drew closer, Bonzo called out to them. “Hey, heyyyyyyyyyyy…..you kids…come on over here.” The refugees, mostly women and children, drew to a halt before the ass on the ass and the man in the blue suit. Bonzo began pulling packs of chewing gum and nylon stockings out of his saddle bags. “Here ya go….and maybe if yer good and vote Republican I’ll arrange to put some food on yer families.” Bush pelted the refugees with the chewing gum and nylons, laughing maniacally. The refugees responded by picking up rocks and clumps of dirt, pelting the incredulous and raving “leader of the free world” back. Bonzo T. glowered down at the refugees and pulled a pistol out of his shoulder holster, gibbering “terrorists….DIE TERRORISTS!” The man in the blue suit gestured and Bonzo disappeared, leaving the ass placidly munching on a patch of grass. As the refugees moved on, the man in the blue suit called “have a good trip, George, I hear it’s a bit stormy in Teheran right now….I’ll send you a rain coat!” After a moment he followed the refugees, handing out a seemingly endless stream of mangoes. They disappeared over the horizon.
Next – when Washington authorities finally notice Bonzo’s absence several weeks later, they spring into action, sending British, Canadian and Polish operatives into Iran. How will the Commander in Chief react to his tour of Iranian prisons? Will the truth be revealed in a classified document entitled “Syndromes Rhyming With Stockholm”? Stay tuned to CNN and read the Weekly World News for important details soon.
It was a beautiful morning on the high plateau. The mortars were silent and the sun had just begun to peek over the horizon. A group of refugees appeared in the distance and then faded out of sight, headed in the direction of Asmara. A passing baboon paused to urinate on a bush. At that moment the bush burst into flames, setting the unfortunate creature’s hindquarters alight. As the baboon scrambled away howling in pain, a man in a shiny sky blue suit with well-manicured facial hair catapulted out of the bush, brushing flames away from his pants. The man called to the retreating animal: “sorry about that,” adding with irritation “NEXT TIME LET’S DO IT WITHOUT THE STUPID BUSH!!” The man pulled a mango from his suit pocket and began munching hungrily on it. As he gobbled down the mango a figure appeared on the horizon, riding upon an ass. The man peered into the distance. “Who’s this, the new Moses……HEY…..OLD MAN…..ARE THERE ANY HOSTILE FORCES AROUND HERE I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT?” As the figure drew nearer it became apparent that this was definitely NOT the new Moses, but none other than Bonzo T. Bush, disheveled and disoriented leader of the free world. The man in the blue suit observed “Ah, my mistake, not a sage of any description – but an ass riding an ass!” As Bush drew closer the man in the blue suit could clearly see that the gibbering and drooling Commander in Chief was dressed in his old National Guard uniform, now tattered and moth-eaten by the passage of time. The ass was heavily laden, both with Bonzo and with numerous saddle bags. Bush stopped a few feet away and peered at the man for several moments, finally blurting out “Creflo???” “No, but I did get this suit off of him…..” “Hey, you know Creflo? Him ‘n Jerry’s muh personal preachers, yup…..Creflo loaned you his suit?” “Loaned…..no. I said I got it off of him….I will deal with all false prophets in the same way.” Bonzo began to foam at the mouth and sputtered “hey, hey, hold on there buddy, nobody talks about Reverend Dollar that way and gets away with it. Now, you better help me out here. I been lookin’ for Jesus out here. Some fella at the Wailin’ Wall said I could find Jesus out here.” “Look no further, Monkey Boy, your quest is over.” The Commander in Chief pulled a battered piece of paper from his rancid uniform, presenting it to the man in the blue suit. It was an artists rendering of Jesus as blond and Caucasian. “Jest hold on there buddy – this here’s Jesus…..everybody knows Jesus is a white guy!” “You are definitely in the wrong neighbourhood, son,” observed the man in the blue suit. At this moment another group of refugees appeared on the horizon, bound for Asmara. As they drew closer, Bonzo called out to them. “Hey, heyyyyyyyyyyy…..you kids…come on over here.” The refugees, mostly women and children, drew to a halt before the ass on the ass and the man in the blue suit. Bonzo began pulling packs of chewing gum and nylon stockings out of his saddle bags. “Here ya go….and maybe if yer good and vote Republican I’ll arrange to put some food on yer families.” Bush pelted the refugees with the chewing gum and nylons, laughing maniacally. The refugees responded by picking up rocks and clumps of dirt, pelting the incredulous and raving “leader of the free world” back. Bonzo T. glowered down at the refugees and pulled a pistol out of his shoulder holster, gibbering “terrorists….DIE TERRORISTS!” The man in the blue suit gestured and Bonzo disappeared, leaving the ass placidly munching on a patch of grass. As the refugees moved on, the man in the blue suit called “have a good trip, George, I hear it’s a bit stormy in Teheran right now….I’ll send you a rain coat!” After a moment he followed the refugees, handing out a seemingly endless stream of mangoes. They disappeared over the horizon.
Next – when Washington authorities finally notice Bonzo’s absence several weeks later, they spring into action, sending British, Canadian and Polish operatives into Iran. How will the Commander in Chief react to his tour of Iranian prisons? Will the truth be revealed in a classified document entitled “Syndromes Rhyming With Stockholm”? Stay tuned to CNN and read the Weekly World News for important details soon.
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